Overheard...

In the past few months, a few doozies have come out of my mouth. There are even a few that I overheard in Biology class that were pretty hilarious:

"Can I have some sperm?" --in Biology laboratory, studying Embryology

"Stop burying your sister!" --said to my son on several occasions

"Stop eating the cat!" --said to my daughter (I believe 2 years earlier, I said this to my son as well...)

"No sawing at dinner!" --to my son. Whoever is responsible for Bob the Builder toy saws, drills, and hammers, I'd like to talk to. In a dark alley. With no police around anywhere. I WILL find you.

"Do NOT hammer the cell phones!" --see previous mention of Bob the Builder. I will find you. That's a promise.

"No, you can't bring the garden hose in the house." --My son has learned the fine art of turning on the hose water.

"Get off the ceiling fan!" --Yes, I really DID say this. My son somehow dragged a ton of stuff to the middle of the kitchen, piled it all up, and climbed up so he could "hang" on the ceiling fan and spin around. I came back from the bathroom just in time to avert disaster. And no, my son is not allowed to watch the Simpsons.

"Teach me how to train daddy like you did." --said to my daughter. I think it's obvious to any mom of daughters: we had a talent as babies that we lost somewhere, perhaps around puberty? Is there a pill we can take to get it back? I think Merck should work on that pill now.

Menstruation Sucks

Now that my career as Milking Mama is coming to a close, it's time for old Aunt Flow to return.
Put crassly, periods suck.
I was unbelievably blessed with a 3 1/2 year time period with no period. My last menstrual cycle was on February 7, 2004. Moms all know their last menstrual cycle - they write it down on every piece of paper that is shoved in front of you for 8 months at the Obstetrician's office. As if that weren't enough, every time you go to the Obstetrician, the nurse who takes your urine sample (a mandatory ritual every time you go to the OB) asks you "when's the date of your last period?". Then the nurse who takes your vitals asks you "when was your last period?". And then you're shuttled into your examining room where you bare it all to your OB. And what does your OB asks you when he gets in the room with you? You guessed it.
But I digress.
Alas, after my son was born, I had the blessing of an overabundance of milk. I'm not talking a little bit of overabundance either. I could feed Rhode Island. Honestly, I wish I was exaggerating. At my peak, I was pumping 100 ounces of breastmilk in a 24-hour period. My husband threatened divorce if he wasn't allowed to have some room in the freezer for his chicken nuggets. So I began to donate my milk. I went to the human milk bank weekly, and gave them 3 gallons of frozen breastmilk. For those of you who aren't familiar with the average daily breastmilk consumption of a baby, it's between 20 and 30 ounces a day. That's right folks, I could have exclusively feed FOUR babies with what I pumped.
All that breastmilk has its advantages. We saved a boatload of money on formula. Our son got 1 cold in the first 2 years of his life. I lost 25 pounds. I have some really bizarre stories of pumping my breastmilk in some odd places. And the best benefit of making gallons of breastmilk: NO PERIODS.
To be fair, many women don't get this little perk. Many do. If you are one of the lucky women who gets this perk, let's just say, milk it for all it's worth!
As I was weaning, I eagerly awaited my menstrual cycle. I couldn't wait to have another child, since my son is such a blessing. But my period didn't come. These things take time, right? Well, you ovulate before you menstruate. Duh. Perhaps I was asleep during that lecture in High School. After a few months of no menstrual cycle, I became suspicious that my body was no longer my own, and sure enough, I was about 8 weeks pregnant! Wow, no menstrual cycle between kids!
This little phenomenon did illicit an interesting response. First, when I went back to the OB, the nurse who took my vitals asked "when was the date of your last period?" and I answered "February 7, 2004." For the next 7 months, nobody asked me when the last date of my period was. They must have written "SLUT" on my chart.
Fast-forward to giving birth to my daughter, then become Bessie the Cow for another year. My daughter has decided that a sippy cup is much more interesting during the day than the boob. She can take her precious milk with her wherever she cruises around the house, and doesn't have to stop and pay attention to nursing. Gulp and back to doodling on the couch cushions - what could be better? So my supply has dipped to the point where old Aunt Flo has returned.
But Aunt Flo is a changed experience. Suddenly, I become someone completely different for about 3 days. I can't help myself - I have the most intense chocolate cravings I've ever experienced. I find myself digging around anywhere and everywhere for anything made with cocoa. This is ridiculous. I joked with my husband that I wanted to get pregnant again so I could avoid all these nasty cravings. He gets out of the hospital next week.